Thursday, 2 July 2009

Poem: Three Hours

If I had three hours to live
I would make sure I was good
with two:
my son and God.

If I had three weeks to live
I'd record a video message for my family and friends,
I'd forget house-cleaning, laundry and debt,
I'd hug my son a lot and stop to smell the roses,
And I would make sure I was good
with two:
my son and God.

If I had three months to live
I'd quit my day job and finish that book,
I'd travel to England and cry a lot,
I'd eat what I wanted and die obese,
And I would make sure I was good
with two:
my son and God.

If I had three years to live
I'd work part-time
and do something meaningful with my remaining years,
I'd let the dirt build up in the corners,
I'd take out credit to travel the world,
But before I die I would make sure I was good
with two:
my son and God.

If I had forever
I'd sleep the first year.
What else?
Let me get back to you later,
how does a thousand years sound?

If I just didn't know how long I had,
I'd probably continue to work at my job
even though I hate it.
I'd tirelessly clean my house
and fret over what people thought
even though they drove me nuts.
Why write today what you can write tomorrow?
I wouldn't stop and smell the roses or water them.
They'd die and I'd buy another pot.
I'd never get to England.
And I'd probably forget to tell my son that I loved him
and felt so proud of him.
I'd forget to make sure I was good
with two:
my son and God.
Again.

Poem by Ann Elle Altman

Poem: The Theory of Monet

I love art

That comes in all forms.

I could draw a decent stick man

Since the time I was born... five... twenty. (Hell, I still can't draw one.)

Anyway...

Because of my expertise

I really must say...

What the hell were people thinking...

Praising Monet?

I have seen his self portrait,

His cap and large ties,

But, I think something was missing

In front of his eyes...

I can see how it went

A day long, long ago...

Claude decided to paint

At the river that flowed...

He sat down on the bank

laid out things he had brought,

I forgot them again,

is what ran through his thoughts.

Back at home his father

Watches as time passes,

Why would Claude go paint

without taking his glasses?

He leaves the house

in such a hurry.

No wonder he comes home

with his paintings so blurry.

Claude, no one will buy it,

What will you do now?

I have been thinking father,

And I think I know how.

Marketing dad,

it will be a great hit!

An impressionist work

is what I'll call it!

Poem: I Can See Clearly Now, The Grain is Gone

Analog...

to High Definition?

Are you kidding me?

Get the latest edition?

What does it matter

that I can see clearly?

When they cancel Stargate

and My Own Worst Enemy?

In grainy black & white motion

we watched men walk on the moon,

Sullivan had on the Beatles

and we sang their tunes.

Did we need clear

to watch these defining scenes?

First man-on-man kiss

or Degrassi's first pregnant teen?

What about the Murphy Brown Riot,

a single woman's adoption?

And we all followed the Jeep

in the OJ Simpson escape run.

Variety Shows like "Idol"

made a comeback in grain,

Now we watch reality show seasons

again and again.

World changing events

like 9/11 and Obama,

We watched in Low-Def

and still called our mamas.

So what is this ploy

they are trying to get out?

It's really nothing special

to write home about.

The TV execs

throw their hands up and reason,

it must be picture quality

why viewers are leaving this season.

Really execs? You must be right,

it couldn't be the crappy shows that I see...

I guess I'll stick to watching

on the internet - commercial free!

Monday, 9 March 2009

First book cover..



Monday, 27 October 2008

From Erin Brown...

Inside the Agent/Editor Relationship

by Erin Brown

All authors need agents. Period. There, I said it. I won’t take it back, and you can’t make me. I’m sure there are a few of you reading this who think they’ll do just fine without one of those 15% grabbers, so I’ve put together a short quiz. If you answer “yes” to even one of these questions, you’re absolutely right: you do not need an agent. So stop reading because your book is certainly already published.

A) You attend book signings and parties at least once a week, during which you mingle with high-powered editors over canapés and champagne (and yes, the editors have to be willing to speak to you for more than two minutes).

B) You fly to New York at least four times a month to treat editors to $200 meals in order to learn their likes and dislikes (oh, and for some reason, these editors actually take your call and agree to lunch).

C) You are well-versed regarding the ins and outs of foreign rights, audio rights, serial rights, advances, royalties, auctions, preempts, subsidiary rights, and how to interpret mind-boggling legalese. You’re also adept at negotiating for days, possibly weeks, until you get the best deal for your novel (a first time author would never just take what’s offered to them in the overwhelming excitement of finally getting published, right? Right???)

As you can surmise, in addition to protecting your interests, an agent worth his or her salt has established close relationships with editors at various publishing houses. The relationships are established over months (or years) of lunches, dinners, pitching projects, and even slurping ice cream during long, hot summer days. Now you’re probably thinking that this whole agent/editor thing sounds more like dating, and in a way it is. Agents and editors get to know each other very well—their likes, dislikes, how they behave in tense situations, how they communicate, and whether they simply like each other. Editors actively court agents, although I’ve always thought it should be other way around (maybe I’m just bitter because no one ever picked up the check for my $40 caviar appetizer), in the hopes that the agent will think of them first when the next Da Vinci Code or Harry Potter or Bridget Jones comes along.

Over these two martini lunches (any more than that and neither party even remembers they’re in publishing by the end of the meal), agents tell editors about their favorite projects and authors, while editors do the same. Of course, we have to throw in a little gossip—the author at last night’s signing who danced on the dais with a lampshade on his head; the assistant publicist who joined him in the macarena—and everyday chit-chat. The goal is to establish close and mutually admiring relationships so that an agent can use their “insider access” to move their client’s novel to the top of the editor’s huge submission pile, get a response within a week instead of three months, and negotiate better deals. Most importantly, the agent knows which editor will respond to which project. After weeks, months, and years of courting, the agent will know that while one editor wouldn’t touch a YA fantasy novel with an electric cattle prod, another one would give up their first-born to get their hands on it (trust me, I’ve seen it happen. Don’t worry though—little baby Henry is very happy in his new home).

The editor relies on their best friend the agent to give him or her a first shot at promising projects that fall within the editor’s literary tastes, to be an effective middleman between the editor and author, and to simply be a reliable and pleasant person to work with. Of course, there are high-powered agents who are the complete opposite of pleasant, but they are effective. From an editor’s point of view, I’ve always found that working with a kind, rational, up-and-coming agent was highly preferable to dealing with an icon in the business who screams, yells, and bullies to get his or her way. These powerful and successful nut-jobs are out there, although I believe that they are a dying breed (this might just be wishful thinking).

The bottom line is that agents and editors spend a significant amount of time courting each other, building relationships and yes, lingering over fantastic lunches (another reason why it’s better to be an agent in New York instead of Boise—the restaurants are much better**). Lasting friendships are born, trust is established, and relationships are cultivated over years.

So even if you answered A, B, and C in the affirmative (and I don’t believe you for one second!), leave the schmoozing, back patting, and mutual admiration society to the editors and agents. You definitely won’t get to spend your days sipping cocktails and noshing on sushi at De Niro’s restaurant, but you’ll be able to concentrate on more important things—like writing. Which, in the end, is what it’s really all about.

**Residents of Boise, please send letters of complaint to the website editor

Erin Brown worked as an editor in New York City for over eight years. She recently left Manhattan to start her own freelance editorial business. To learn more about Erin, visit her Web site at www.erinedits.com.

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Dialog Practice.

I have done a short story in dialog-only. It needs some editing still but feel free to comment.

What do you think?

Wet Dog Smell

Jayne: That woman murdered her dog.

Latisha: What!? What woman?

Jayne: Across the street, there, with the red bag walking into the green building. See her?

Latisha: Yes. She looks like a respectable person. You think she murdered her dog?

Jayne: Have you seen Rear Window? It’s one of my favourite Hitchcock. Classic. I was watching it last night…not the new one, the old one, with wonderfully handsome James Stewart…

Latisha: What!? No wait. You just said the woman murdered her dog! Why are you changing the subject? Did she murder her dog?

Jayne: Oh yeah, I think so. Pretty sure in fact that she murdered it.

Latisha: Okay…then you must explain. Why do you think that?

Jayne: Well, mainly because she doesn’t have a dog anymore…not yesterday or the day before…in fact, it’s been three days now.

Latisha: And?

Jayne: People are creatures of habit, they don’t change unless they have reason to. If a person walks their dog everyday and then suddenly stops, that would be unusual.

Latisha: So, she stopped walking the dog. Yes, I can see how one would leap straight to murder.

Jayne: That’s why you’re an editor and I’m the writer. You cant see past the obvious. I’ve lots of reasons to think she’d have murdered it.

Latisha: Like what?

Jayne: James Stewart in Rear Window broke his leg and because he was stuck at home, had nothing better to do then look out his window at the neighbours. Eventually, he started suspecting that one of them murdered their wife.

Latisha: And, from that movie you have come to the conclusion that red-purse lady murdered her dog.

Jayne: [silence]

Latisha: What?

Jayne: You’re mocking me. Do you want me to explain to you or not?

Latisha: Please.

Jayne: I haven’t broken my leg but I come to this coffee shop everyday around six. I grab a coffee and sit down here. From this table I’ve got a great view of the street and I watch people walk by. [silence] Red-purse lady, I call her Maitland…

Latisha: Why?

Jayne: Because that’s the name monogrammed onto her book bag. Anyway, Maitland walks home from work with her bag every day. At six-twenty on the dot, she unlocks the door to that green building there across the street and climbs four flights of stairs to her apartment.

Latisha: Really?

Jayne: Clockwork. Now watch, its six-twenty-three…just wait and watch…There! See, her light just went on.

Latisha: Yes I see.

Jayne: Everyday for the last three weeks, you can see the light peak through her window there beginning at six-twenty-three. It’s her flat. And up to four days ago, at six-forty exactly, she would exit the building with her small…I think it was a Yorkie, dragging behind her on a leash. She walked around the corner and was out of sight for twenty minutes at which time she’d reappeared and re-entered her building. Seven o’clock on the dot.

Latisha: You do know her.

Jayne: I could’ve been a spy, sadly my talents are wasted on my writing. [laughs] Anyway, she did this every day, even on the weekend. Until four days ago…

Latisha: …When she murdered her dog.

Jayne: The dog - which I think originally belonged to her ex-boyfriend - when they broke up, for some reason, became hers. Which is unfortunate because Maitland began to hate it.

Latisha: What made you assume she hated the dog?

Jayne: Mostly, it was how she dragged it on the leash. The dog would stop to pee on that lamp post and half-way through its business, yank. She never looked at it, never talked to it, just yank, yank, yank.

Latisha: I know a lot of people who hate their dogs, they don’t kill them.

Jayne: You’re right. But she did.

Latisha: Okay, let’s assume you’re right. How did she murder her dog?

Jayne: I think in the end, she had ran out of options. She drowned it.

Latisha: This is insane! These are incredible accusations. What are you basing all this on?

Jayne: When Maitland and her boyfriend were together, they would take the dog for a walk everyday. Arm in arm, laughing and talking. They were happy, the dog was happy…

Latisha: Everyone was happy.

Jayne: Then suddenly, three weeks ago, the boyfriend wasn’t there anymore…

Latisha: Maybe he’s sick?

Jayne: That thought entered my mind, but, for three weeks now, the lights come on at six-twenty-three. Before they broke-up, the lights were on already when she got home, meaning her boyfriend was already in the flat before she arrived home. He does not live there anymore. Besides, I haven’t seen him. God, I hope she didn’t kill him…[silence] No, couldn’t have.

Latisha: Why not?

Jayne: The phone calls.

Latisha: That’s a relief.

Jayne: After he left, she continued to take the dog for a walk so he wouldn’t use the flat as a toilet. The first week after the breakup, she would walk the dog and talk on the phone with him.

Latisha: Why do you think it was him?

Jayne: Her body language. You could just tell, she exuded anger. Gesturing wildly, yelling into the phone. Even the dog was afraid of her, cowering on the leash. You’re only that angry to your family or ex-lover…I suspect ex-lover because he was no longer in the picture.

Latisha: Okay.

Jayne: Anyway, from that time on, her anger began to be taken out on the dog. No longer was he cute Yorkie, he was the enemy’s cohort. After one of those heated discussions, she spent a minute or two just looking at the dog. It was the look in her eyes that made me worry about the dog’s welfare.

Latisha: [silence]

Jayne: One time while he urinated on that lamppost, she broke of a piece of a chocolate bar she had in her hand…comfort food perhaps. After breaking off a piece and eating it, she deliberately dropped a large piece at her feet on the pavement where the dog was standing.

Latisha: Chocolate’s dangerous for dogs!

Jayne: Yes.

Latisha: What happened?

Jayne: Fortunately, or maybe not considering, the dog sniffed it but didn’t touch it. I guess he didn’t care for it. Realizing she failed, she dragged it down the block again for the twenty minute walk. Personally, if I was going to kill a dog, and I wouldn’t because I love them, but if I was going to, I would use pills. Crush them in the dog’s food.

Latisha: She didn’t think of it?

Jayne: I think she did because a few nights later, she came home with a New London Pharmacy bag. I could see a bottle of some sort in it.

Latisha: Did it work?

Jayne: No. Two days later, the dog was out for a walk.

Latisha: What do you think happened?

Jayne: Maybe the dog didn’t eat it, or perhaps he did and vomited. I have no idea.

Latisha: So you think she drowned it because it was the last option?

Jayne: It was four days ago, she dragged the dog again through the park again but this time it was only ten minutes rather then twenty and she was in a rather unusual hurry to be home. It was raining so at first I thought that might be the reason but she has taken twenty minute walks in the rain before. She grabbed the dog and hurried up to her flat.

Latisha: Do you think that was when she had the idea to drown it?

Jayne: Maybe. It must have been or why bother walk it at all if you know you’re going to kill it soon anyway. [silence] I saw the light go on and her form appear at that window. I think that must be where her kitchen sink is.

Latisha: Why do you think that?

Jayne: She will often do things standing in front of that window. Dishes or washing her hands. Anyway, that night when she got home, she stood in front of the window looking down. I can only see her shoulders from here. Now, after contemplation, I think she was watching the sink fill up with water. After some time, she disappeared and quickly reappeared with something in her hand. I thought it was some sort of frozen meat item but, also upon contemplation…

Latisha: It was the dog!?

Jayne: Sadly, I think I assumed the best at the time. I could not see her face, but I did see her struggle with something. At the time I thought she might be pulling apart a chicken…the dog was little see. All I could see was a shadow. About twenty minutes later, she came down with a large black garbage bag and threw it in the bin. The next day, was rubbish collection day. I didn’t realize the scope of that thought until I noticed an empty bin.

Latisha: Oh god, I think I’m going to be sick. Have you gone to the police?

Jayne: I saw her the day after at six-twenty, she had a bandage around one of her hands. Perhaps, the dog put up a struggle. I can’t prove it.

Latisha: You should confront her.

Jayne: And say what? Hello, I’ve been watching you, I think you drowned your dog. By now, I don’t think you’ll find a shred of evidence in her house that she ever had a dog.

Latisha: What are you going to do? She can’t get away with that.

Jayne: You’re right. That’s why I called you here tonight. I have a story idea I want to run by you…about a woman named Maitland who drowns her dog. When published, I will see to it personally she gets a copy…